Quotes from Will Rogers

Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing -- and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.

Anything important is never left to the vote of the people. We only get to vote on some man; we never get to vote on what he is to do.

I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him "father."

The country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

Atheist - Really?

A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because, I'm not an atheist."

Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a Christian."

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian.

"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly.

"What if your mom was an idiot and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"

Lucy paused, smiled and said, "Then, I'd be an atheist!"

The Truth is What We Say It Is

The Smith’s were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.
They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose - how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.

The author assured the family he could handle the story as tactfully as possible and was given the go-ahead to write the book.

The book appeared. It said “Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution and was attached to his position by the strongest of ties. His death came as a great shock.”.

Everbody Needs a Li'l Edukatin!

R.I.P.

There was a minister fella from up North somewhere who had come to serve a small community in Mississipi. A funeral director asked him to hold a graveside service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

As he wasn't familiar with the area he got lost on the way out there. He finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The backhoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

He apologized to the workers for being late and as he looked into the open grave, he saw the vault lid already in place. He told the workers that he wouldn't take long but that he had a job to do just like them. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.

Now he was a new preacher and enthusiastic and poured out his heart and soul as he preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" He got so into the service that he preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.

When the service was over, He said a final prayer and walked to his car. As he opened the door, he heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."

Three Vampires

Three vampires walk into a bar. "What can I get ya?" asks the bartender.
"Blood," orders the first vampire.
"Make it two," says the second.
The bartender looks at the third. "What about you, buddy?"
"Plasma," says the vampire.
"Okay," replies the barman. "Let me make sure I've got this straight. Two bloods and a blood light."